Innerstar's Blog

{December 20, 2009}   Home… but is it sweet?

I arrived home for vacation last night and the temperature is quite different! Due to time changes I practically slept all day..this is going to be interesting getting to sleep tonight. I am here with my niece…it is pretty much the only thing I am excited about this christmas. I’m reluctant to be home.. we will see what goes from here.


{November 18, 2009}   As school goes on

There is one month left to school and I am excited. Excited that I’m getting closer to being done. Sadly, I haven’t felt much like blogging. I have been doing well in my life and have been much more calm in situations. Right now my house/apartment has been feeling tense between three girls but I haven’t been getting myself involved. I had wanted to but something didn’t feel right now from pulling myself out of the loop I am seeing the truth to both sides. Not what I had first thought. My fear is that I will soon have to be brought in if situations get worse to say how I feel about everything. I wish contention weren’t here but I will stand for what I see is true. Let’s just say, two of the girls won’t be in approval.

{November 11, 2009}   Day three?

Today seems to be fine. I was able to work thing s out about taking the exams a little early. I’m excited about that! 🙂

It is crazy to think I’ll be graduating with my Bachelor’s degree in April… unless, I mess up on a class. My Dad thinks I should give my accounting 301 class another try. I once thought I would go into accounting but I didn’t do so well… It wasn’t a subject that fit me. Yeah, the grade was a fail. It is a shock to actually fail a class… I can’t say I had ever failed a class before it. It was hard! well, to me! Heh, there were others in the course that it came natural to. I was really bummed because I thought I wanted to work with numbers. My Dad is great with numbers… in fact, he is a Math teacher.

I took the business management track instead… I like presentations, and learning about new countries… do I always want to go to class? No… it is a good degree to study but I have no idea what I’ll be or come of it… I do and I don’t like to learn. But nothing has ever come to me passionately. I wish I knew what I loved. I like computers and am thinking about studying that after… while getting my Master’s degree in business… Sometimes I think I want to minor in Psychology… But with doing both a Human resource track and a Marketing track in Business, I do not have time to minor in Psychology. Even though, I would only have three other classes to take. I have plenty of classes I will need to focus on next semester. But yes, at the moment… computers are what seem more interesting than the other stuff.

Today, I feel calm. Right now a bit relaxed because I went jogging. It was a short jog and I haven’t gone in a while. No angry or sad memories are pressing down on me at the moment.

I even talked with my “mom” *gasp* and it was fun. Actually, I did the talking… about my day and what has gone on… and I inquired about my niece there. I actually have two nieces there and I need to spend more time with the younger. It is just the oldest I’ve known longer (no brainer) and was old enough to take with me to various places… Meaning, I didn’t have to worry about diaper changing and she understood what I would say. She is so girly and I love it! I think that is what connected me the most to her… she loves her fingers and toe nails painted… I actually get to play with her hair. Oh, and she would sometimes dress like me… one day she came to me wearing my outfit as a waitress. She is so cute! She has mildly curly hair and she wanted me to make hers more curly like mine… so we’d play with it and scrunch it with various products. The embarrassing thing is when I got a silly lip piercing… the Monroe. She wanted a jewel too… so I would find those jewels that can be stuck on… Some days she and her sister and I would wear the same outfit. I see them in just over a month and I am excited! I am not ready to see them bigger… I know a lot can happen when a year has passed.

This Year’s Christmas break is going to be much better… there is going to be a great difference… and a greater peace. Yes, there are things that make me nervous… but I know I handle my situations better than I had. I am just confident it will be better…. except that it will be extremely cold and occasionally snow. I hate the snow… I hate the cold. Right now it’s in the 80’s and I love it! oooh but I do love my winter coats and my boots!

Until next time,

thank you for reading

{November 10, 2009}   Unfortunate attempt

Well, after writing the previous blog I felt compelled to do something… I felt like I had to once again apologize for possibly ruining my ex’s chance of having his daughter in his life…

He actually replied back to me.  Sadly, I have great memory in remember phone numbers when I ought not to. I try to get them out of my head but that makes me remember them more.

He said it was not my fault… that he did not have a chance… I insisted that it had of been my fault.

He asked me not to talk to him again nor his family… odd… I don’t talk to his family…

I said okay but if I could ever fix something to let me know… and goodbye

I guess I shouldn’t put all the blame on me… I did write a retraction letter saying that the myspace email was not valid … He did have a lot of evidence that was not good for him. . . But it is in my nature to blame myself.

I don’t like the idea of families not being able to see each other…

I should have ran away the day he sexually harassed me… I should have gone straight to someone I could talk to and help me through it… instead.. I went beyond to ruin things… I am good at that.

sigh… but now I must move on from him … knowing that he doesn’t get his daughter in his life… I hope someday that changes.

{November 10, 2009}   As school tumbles

I thought my studies would be my main worry for today but I was wrong. I sat in Psychology class when the teacher announced that our final exam would be given out on the 17th of December at 5:00pm to 6:30pm. I raised my hand and asked if there is any possibility to take it earlier.

You see… I had my Dad book my plane flight for me which I am appreciative he did. It was very nice of him… and because of MY communication error I said I would be done on the 17th… In my mind I was thinking I’d be finishing on the 17th but now disaster has struck! My plane leaves at 7:30am… and I called the airlines but an automated voice said that due to the tickets being bought through Priceline they are not exchangeable nor are they refundable.

I approached my teacher after class and explained the situation but he said that there is nothing he can do… that the test was scheduled at that time by administration to avoid conflict with other classes…. so… he can’t let me take the exam in his office or through the testing center one day earlier? Why not!? This was my error but you would think that there would be some help under mistaken situations. There isn’t anything I can do! Unless I pay for another plane ticket but we simply don’t have that kind of money right now. I feel lost…

I wrote my school counselor and am awaiting a response… I am extremely nervous! The reason why I wrote her is because she deals with students who have add, adhd, test anxiety, and etc and one semester I had it all arranged where I was allowed to take exams in my own room. I have to read things out loud otherwise it is very hard for me to concentrate and get the concept.

Unfortunately, this semester I didn’t dive into the option again which shows because often I’ve taken 5 or more hours on exams that should be much shorter. I made sure that even though I wanted to get out after 5 mins that I would stick my butt down and slowly go through each problem. I should have renewed my helping services this semester and I don’t know why I didn’t… Laziness… and I feel strange going in with a psychological problem

It is never too late… It is half way through the term and I should set up an appointment for the help again.

Oh wait! I remember the other reasons to why I didn’t renew it! My previous school was who I went through for psychological counseling… just to talk about stresses of life, and I also went through a psychiatrist through them. Well, I was supposed to get documents sent over to this new school and I called and faxed and emailed this old school but I was never appropriately directed towards the people I needed to be. I requested and requested the information and nothing got sent… in which I had promised this new school counselor that I would get it asap. Well, I was given the privileges while they waited for the documents but they never came. I felt guilt stricken and as if I were a liar. Basically, I was ashamed that I had not done my part.

I did go through a new psychiatrist here to re-prescribe my adhd meds and to get something that helps me with text anxiety.

Perhaps I should have just explained in the first place instead of hiding away with embarrassment.

Maybe there is hope…

I actually just copied and pasted  part of this post and sent it to my school counselor and explained the situation… I should have just done that..

Anyways, what was I talking about last night… oh the rest of the story of my Christmas break 2008.

So that same day after my brother threatened me I went to see my ex… we were excited to see each other. I had to drive several hours to see him… he was working so I figured I’d go see him. It was more like 7 or 8 hours to see him.

Well, I went and he had promised to help pay for gas because by the time I reached him I would have no money. It was a mistake to see him.

I got there and when we were alone he started being very pushy(sexually)… Even though I kept telling him No, NO, NO!!! I felt violated and hurt. He tried to say “I love you” but I didn’t say it back… I cried because he was not respecting my wishes and kept being persistent… I was very upset with him. I wasn’t much entertainment when his friends got home because I wouldn’t leave his room. I was confused to why he wouldn’t respect my boundaries. I had had a lot of trust in him and I felt so belittled. So while he was with his friends I said I was sick and didn’t go out.

Well, he came in and gave me a talk about not being very social… so I finally got up and went out. His friends were having quite the drinking party and I hadn’t touched a drink for a while. I had quit but I felt like such crap and worthless as a person that I had a drink… and then another… and next thing I know I’m waking up passed out on the floor with an extremely angry ex.

He was very harsh with me and said clean up my mess and that I had to leave. I didn’t get it… I didn’t know what happened… And he even asked… Do I not really remember… He showed me a broken class cup in which I through at him… and he showed me a wound on his face because I had hit him.

I didn’t remember a thing… I tried to approach him and say I’m so sorry but he walked away. I knew I was a monster… that that was a monstrous thing I did.  I tried and tried to remember… I did remember being pushed by him and falling onto the ground outside… I could only imagine it was his self defense… I don’t know. He demanded I leave … confused I left… he wouldn’t let me talk to him. I drove just down the street because I was still dizzy from the drinking… I parked and passed out… this was around 2pm I think… by the time I woke up it was night time… I felt as if I had to make things right… so I went back and tried to talk to him… He said I wasn’t welcome there… of course I wasn’t… I knew that. I knew I had no place… I knew I was the worst person ever. His female friend came out to make sure I wouldn’t do anything like that again.. well I wouldn’t! I never wanted to hit someone again… I even asked that she take a swing at me… that I deserved it…. that I didn’t understand why I did such a thing.

I was told to leave… and so I did once more. I had to call my Dad… I was stranded without money to come home… And I felt like I belonged no where. Everywhere I went trouble followed.  I only told my Dad part of the story… I was too ashamed to tell him what I did.

My Dad helped me out… I am big debt to him… on my way home I stopped at a police station to find an officer to talk to and tell him how awful I was… He was a very nice guy. He said I was lucky not to have charges pressed against me but he was very good at helping me see that I could be better.

When I finally got home I looked up AA meetings… I went online and sought out depression chatrooms.

I was in such a messed up shape that I heated up some piece of a tool that looked like star shapes at the end and tried to burn star imprints on the top of each hand so that way when I looked down I would remember never to pick up a bottle again.

I regret that because now almost a year later I am trying to make them not so noticeable. I’m pretty sure people aren’t buying the I burned it in the kitchen story.. well i was in the kitchen but it was self inflicted.

I went through so many emotions… I tried and tried and tried to understand why I would be such a monster.

I tried and tried and tried to contact my ex and make it up to him.

He actually called one day… he said that he finally forgave me… that he was just so angry then… he also mentioned that he would be in my town but … we wouldn’t be seeing each other.

This hurt a lot… which drew me through more stupid emotions. I grew angry for a moment there… so angry that I started wondering… did I react out because he sexually harassed me… Was I so angered that it came out in my drunken mind or was I just too drunk and not getting what was going on.

And then I started thinking.. wait a minute.. he’s been fighting with his ex wife for rights to see his child… and I started recalling all the information he gave me on what she was saying in courts… so I was stupid… and contacted her via myspace. Wrote her about how her ex husband was having a weed party with his friends in the same house his son was in…. I told her how he would call him a mistake… thinking he was joking and thinking his son was too young to understand. He had an awful way of joking…

And yes… he was not a smart choice in dating. Nor was I a smart choice in dating.

Well, she read it in court and suddenly I felt so so so guilty that I could be the very reason that he would lose rights to his daughter. I had no right to mingle. After that, I have never spoken to him since. I sent an apology letter months later… and explained that I have been working so hard on improving myself. I have attempted to see if he gets rights to see his daughter… he did love her… he really did.. As messed up as he seems in his own ways.. He had a lot of love towards her. I have no idea if I ruined it completely.

I feel like I had no right to impose… especially since I was in a state of mind that was so messed up.

That was the ultimate bad part of Christmas. I knew I had to change… and I have been getting a lot of help along the way… Almost a year later I would say there is a considerable difference and I don’t touch alcohol anymore. The cravings are still there but so are the horrible memories. Everything was a wreck in my life during that time. Absolutely everything!

The good part of Christmas break… I came back… went to AA… Chatted online with support groups… set the goals to change… I didn’t want to leave the house though.. I hid away… and sulked.

One day… that brother of mine which had threatened me… asked me if I wanted to go to our mutual friend’s house to play guitar hero… he was as shocked as I was when I finally talked to him and said “Yes.” I don’t know why I said it… I still had a hard time with him… And believe me.. my parent’s jaw dropped and they were so shocked when they saw us going out together. My brother and I did have good times before.. There were bad times but we had good times. He was actually my favorite sibling I’ve ever had a job with… and we’ve had two jobs together… When we are in goofy mode it is constant make the other person laugh time… He actually apologized and so did I… It was nice… and at the party I saw that he was protective over me as he saw I was talking with this guy he didn’t like… Found out why… and he was right… the guy talks extremely dirty about girls… no respect… I’ve already had enough of no respect in my life.

It went well but I haven’t talked to my brother since… When I left back for school… I decided it was a good time to change my number… and I only gave it to few people. I didn’t want to give it to him or the younger brother. And my Dad gets confused because he will say… but I thought you two were getting a long and worked things out.

I said I forgave him… but I guess I still am working on it… The memories haunt me … and I still don’t like him… How can I know if he is truly changed?

The nearer it gets to me visiting home again in one month… the more stressed I get… I just get nervous… and there are parts of me that just don’t want to go.

I wish everything would be fixed… with everyone… but it just doesn’t seem to work that way… something inside of me still hurts with my brother’s… and with my ex.

As you see… I am far from perfect and I fight it daily to not let it still hurt me.

Until next time,

Thanks for reading.

{November 9, 2009}   Hello world!

Welcome to This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

After watching Julie and Julia and also reflecting back to a Hillary Duff movie where they both involve blogging I felt that perhaps I should as a way to get things off my shoulders.

Of course, I want to write about my life but I want to write specifically about life’s challenges. I don’t know if anyone will actually read this but I heard that it feels relieving to write things out.

Today, I woke up with my right shoulder throbbing. Usually it is fine but it still has its moments. I wouldn’t be able to go out and throw a football for fun or a softball without it hurting really bad.

Just over a year ago… It was the end of July or beginning of August 2008… Our family had just come back from a funeral. My grandma’s… It was her time. It is sad to say this but I didn’t know her too well. She lived overseas my whole life until nearing her end we moved her close to us… by then it was too late to learn anything from her. The memories I have are few and often are those memories negative. She held on to anger her whole life. She could be a happy lady but then extremely bitter and mean. She disliked my father for the longest time and she would easily turn on her kids. She did not have a close connection with her two sons or any men as the matter of fact. I believe it is due to her having been left by her ex-husband. After that she didn’t take to kindly to men. But she was proven wrong about my Dad as my Mom is still with him and still in love.

The thing is, there was a lack of closeness to my Grandma.

After the funeral when my family and I were back home I discovered my younger brother trying to rat me out about something. Caught me by surprise. I was raised by religious parents and I came to find my younger brother telling them I was drinking. .. but he did it in the trying to get me in trouble way. Funny thing is, I had told my parents before that I had gotten into drinking and for a moment I stopped and then I got back onto it during hard times. So I wasn’t worried about them knowing. It wasn’t really that knew. But when I had walked in the room to ask my brother what he was doing he lied in front of me and my parents and made something else up. I told him, why yes it is true and they had known before about it. They didn’t know I got back onto it but I women up to what I do. This is my life of learning.

Of course I was confused to why he would even do that. I found out it was because of some comment I made during the time of the funeral. I had ridden in the car with my two brothers and they are huge smokers… well were. I have allergies or asthma to smoke and I struggled breathing in that short car ride. I had made some comment to my parents about it… just about not being able to breath but I didn’t think too much about it. To me it was a little comment but to my little brother he felt I was ratting him out. Well, they already knew. I honestly didn’t mean to have it come off in a way that would offend them. I wasn’t thinking I guess.

Well, I had a temper with my younger brother. I don’t know why because I had not had a fight in such a long time. He and I argued and I tried to verify something to him so I went to the other brother to talk to him. He yelled at me to get out of the room and I yelled back that that he was being unreasonable. Now, he has the worst temper of all people I know. He got up, and I ran. He tracked me through the whole house to attack me. This isn’t the first time. He had done this before when I played a joke on him. He gives jokes but he doesn’t take jokes. Before he had pinned me down and hit me in the face… in front of my Mom. She and I have always had a hard time. Everything I did I was always wrong. The joke incident I know she should not have chosen to to blame me for the situation and do something about my brother. I mean after all he has had to accusations of rape from girls, has been kicked out of places for his attitude, been to jail, and been on drugs.  To my Mom, I am always wrong. No matter what.

Well, with this incident of being tracked down. I blame myself for the arguing but I found it completely wrong that he attacked me. He hit me… He threw me down into the cement ground several times. This was the very instant that I realized I was helpless… that I do not have strength to match his.

I blame myself for the argument but I can not blame me for his abuse. This time, I called the police. It was the only thing that I felt like I would have some power… some justice but it proved me wrong.

When I was on the phone my Mom to that side of the house and yelled at me to hang up the phone… then she just hung it up. My parents yelled at me for getting the police involved and I was well informed of how foolish I was. I was 21… I had learned by then that I have freedom to call the police.

Well, when the police got there my parents made me seem psycho. Well, my Mom. She said in front of the cops why are you acting so irrational… have you been missing your medication? She pulled the I’m crazy card. Every single person in my family had a form of add, adhd, depression, or something. Me, adhd and depression. But I at the time felt I was right to call on my brother. He was abusive. Well, my younger brother of course sided with my other brother. . . and lied to the cops. Said I attacked the brother.

So my brother and I both got a ticket for disruption of something.. not sure… I later had it removed.. or took it to the judge in which it was dismissed because it didn’t have enough evidence. And my brother had his dismissed too. He didn’t get any ticket for abuse because he got away with it.

I knew by calling the police it would ruin my relationship with my parents. Well, I never felt close to my Mom. While growing up it was, you’re fat, you’re tone deaf don’t sing, you don’t have the qualities to be a leader… I had wanted to go for student government after a teacher had convinced me…he had said that he thought I would do well. My Mother’s first reaction was I didn’t have qualities of a leader and I wouldn’t be good at it. I was on student government for two years.. the second year running my Mom had encouraged me to try out then and was my poster lady… she learned to support me. In college I went on to being an ambassador for the school, in RA positions, turned down being an ambassador for another school. No one in my high school except my best friend and her family knew I struggled at home. In high school I was friends with absolutely everyone. I loved people… I was in all sorts of school activities/clubs. I was an honor student and even felt that my teachers and principle were friends. I was a good kid. I worked hard… but as soon as I got home the fights started off with my Mom. I won’t lie… I had a short temper while growing up. I also had to fight to be me. Here is another example.. In 9th grade I thought psychology would be fun and while at a parent teacher conference my Mom said that psycho’s can’t be psychologist. See why I have a hard time with my Mom.

The only person I could go to after the big fight with my brother was my sister. I called her and was so relieved that she was on my side because she was the only one. She had banned my brother from seeing her son for a while because my brother through a freak joke about her boy. While her little boy was taking a bath my brother thought he was so funny by saying oh be careful I might take a picture and put it on the internet. My sister tried to ignore that comment … of course it bothered her but after he continuously made jokes like that she told him off… told him she didn’t want him around. And… My parents got after her for banning him from seeing his nephew. I don’t know how my parents visions were blinded because this certain brother was known as the troubled child. He was the one always doing stupid things. I tried… I really tried to do more in life. .. but I never felt enough.

I moved all my stuff over to my Sisters house. . . She even said something that meant a lot to me. She said something along the lines… You know, I feel bad for you because we used to set you up so many times to get you in trouble and we all would lie about it just so the blame would be on you and this is probably why Mom doesn’t ever believe you. I still can’t even explain this to my parents… There were so so so many times while growing up that I got the blame… and I was left hurting and feeling betrayed. And even though I hadn’t fought with anyone in a long time… my Mom blamed me at once. I don’t think it will ever change.

While at my sisters I struggled. In two weeks I had originally planned to go to a university. I had the plane tickets long before…. I had school paid for and the housing. I wanted to put that away for a while and come back to school after I could figure my life out. Only a few days before I decided to go because I couldn’t get any of the money back. I had worked all summer saving up money. Not all of it was mine though… My parents were paying a great deal too! And this was a huge conflict for me because my parents would still have control of my life if I still went. They were my money source. And I wanted to get away from them… I am glad I decided to go to school… yes, my parents still pay for most of it. It bothers me. I have a job here but it is hard. It is nice that I live far far away.

By the way… I had markings all over my body… and I had my shoulder looked at and something was torn. I couldn’t use that side for the longest time because it hurt so much.

It was hard that semester… I was in so much pain. I felt alone in life… It didn’t help that around that same time I had ended things with a guy I was dating. I had to move.

Anytime I talked to my Mom on the phone we would end it hanging up on each other … she always blamed me and told me that I needed to be nice about my brother and so forth. I couldn’t talk to her… and I refused.

My Dad and I talked because he didn’t want to lose a relationship with me. He wouldn’t ever talk about that brother and when he did he tried to humor me by saying “he who must not be named.”

He actually called and told me that he was sorry… that he had finally found out that my little brother lied for his older brother and that I wasn’t entirely wrong. Finally, I felt a relief… a sense of belonging in the family. Even though my Mom still held her opinions.

My Dad and I have become best friends by talking on the phone. In fact, we used to be… we used to talk all the time when I left off to college for the first time. . . And we grew so close. Well, now we are close again.

December 2008 I visited home. I gave my brothers the silent treatment. I didn’t care to talk to them even though I was told that the older brother had felt bad and had changed. I was told this a few days after the incident and I knew it was a load of crap because he wanted to be in good terms with my parents. I knew his fake side. My Mom kept getting mad at me for not communicating with them… one day I had needed a ride and she insisted the certain brother take me. I told her no, absolutely not. I didn’t want contention… I didn’t want to be around him. I didn’t want to fight. After telling my Mom no various times she ignored me… went to him and asked him to give me a ride. He pulled up and said I’m ready to take you. I was shocked… She went against my wishes! I ignored him… walked off… I would have rather walked then get near him… and so I did. While walking a way he called me a “selfish bitch” and that he “ought to kick my ass again.” Yeah, he was really changed wasn’t he. I reported it to my Dad… refused to talk to my Mom. I feel like my Mom can be so idiotic.

But this gave proof to my parents that Richard wasn’t as changed as they thought… well it gave proof to my Dad. It seems as if my Mom chooses to ignore truth.

The trip got worse in some ways… and better in others… but I have to work in 4 1/2 hours and sadly I’ve been in tears in all the memories… that tomorrow is going to be hard to wake up for…and I’ll probably have puffy eyes… and not feel so grand… Not good because I will have a test to study for, much homework, and a presentation to prepare for.

If anyone is actually reading this, thank you for reading. I know I am not perfect too… I am not the kind to blame everyone else… And these situations sound immature because they were immature. I have been striving to change… to work on my temper and arguing. I have been working on bettering myself. It comes slowly but I feel better now than I did before. I won’t always talk about the past… I will also talk of the now. Until next time, goodnight. I’ll try to sleep on my other side because my shoulder is still hurting A LOT 😦

et cetera