Innerstar's Blog











{November 9, 2009}   Hello world!

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After watching Julie and Julia and also reflecting back to a Hillary Duff movie where they both involve blogging I felt that perhaps I should as a way to get things off my shoulders.

Of course, I want to write about my life but I want to write specifically about life’s challenges. I don’t know if anyone will actually read this but I heard that it feels relieving to write things out.

Today, I woke up with my right shoulder throbbing. Usually it is fine but it still has its moments. I wouldn’t be able to go out and throw a football for fun or a softball without it hurting really bad.

Just over a year ago… It was the end of July or beginning of August 2008… Our family had just come back from a funeral. My grandma’s… It was her time. It is sad to say this but I didn’t know her too well. She lived overseas my whole life until nearing her end we moved her close to us… by then it was too late to learn anything from her. The memories I have are few and often are those memories negative. She held on to anger her whole life. She could be a happy lady but then extremely bitter and mean. She disliked my father for the longest time and she would easily turn on her kids. She did not have a close connection with her two sons or any men as the matter of fact. I believe it is due to her having been left by her ex-husband. After that she didn’t take to kindly to men. But she was proven wrong about my Dad as my Mom is still with him and still in love.

The thing is, there was a lack of closeness to my Grandma.

After the funeral when my family and I were back home I discovered my younger brother trying to rat me out about something. Caught me by surprise. I was raised by religious parents and I came to find my younger brother telling them I was drinking. .. but he did it in the trying to get me in trouble way. Funny thing is, I had told my parents before that I had gotten into drinking and for a moment I stopped and then I got back onto it during hard times. So I wasn’t worried about them knowing. It wasn’t really that knew. But when I had walked in the room to ask my brother what he was doing he lied in front of me and my parents and made something else up. I told him, why yes it is true and they had known before about it. They didn’t know I got back onto it but I women up to what I do. This is my life of learning.

Of course I was confused to why he would even do that. I found out it was because of some comment I made during the time of the funeral. I had ridden in the car with my two brothers and they are huge smokers… well were. I have allergies or asthma to smoke and I struggled breathing in that short car ride. I had made some comment to my parents about it… just about not being able to breath but I didn’t think too much about it. To me it was a little comment but to my little brother he felt I was ratting him out. Well, they already knew. I honestly didn’t mean to have it come off in a way that would offend them. I wasn’t thinking I guess.

Well, I had a temper with my younger brother. I don’t know why because I had not had a fight in such a long time. He and I argued and I tried to verify something to him so I went to the other brother to talk to him. He yelled at me to get out of the room and I yelled back that that he was being unreasonable. Now, he has the worst temper of all people I know. He got up, and I ran. He tracked me through the whole house to attack me. This isn’t the first time. He had done this before when I played a joke on him. He gives jokes but he doesn’t take jokes. Before he had pinned me down and hit me in the face… in front of my Mom. She and I have always had a hard time. Everything I did I was always wrong. The joke incident I know she should not have chosen to to blame me for the situation and do something about my brother. I mean after all he has had to accusations of rape from girls, has been kicked out of places for his attitude, been to jail, and been on drugs.  To my Mom, I am always wrong. No matter what.

Well, with this incident of being tracked down. I blame myself for the arguing but I found it completely wrong that he attacked me. He hit me… He threw me down into the cement ground several times. This was the very instant that I realized I was helpless… that I do not have strength to match his.

I blame myself for the argument but I can not blame me for his abuse. This time, I called the police. It was the only thing that I felt like I would have some power… some justice but it proved me wrong.

When I was on the phone my Mom to that side of the house and yelled at me to hang up the phone… then she just hung it up. My parents yelled at me for getting the police involved and I was well informed of how foolish I was. I was 21… I had learned by then that I have freedom to call the police.

Well, when the police got there my parents made me seem psycho. Well, my Mom. She said in front of the cops why are you acting so irrational… have you been missing your medication? She pulled the I’m crazy card. Every single person in my family had a form of add, adhd, depression, or something. Me, adhd and depression. But I at the time felt I was right to call on my brother. He was abusive. Well, my younger brother of course sided with my other brother. . . and lied to the cops. Said I attacked the brother.

So my brother and I both got a ticket for disruption of something.. not sure… I later had it removed.. or took it to the judge in which it was dismissed because it didn’t have enough evidence. And my brother had his dismissed too. He didn’t get any ticket for abuse because he got away with it.

I knew by calling the police it would ruin my relationship with my parents. Well, I never felt close to my Mom. While growing up it was, you’re fat, you’re tone deaf don’t sing, you don’t have the qualities to be a leader… I had wanted to go for student government after a teacher had convinced me…he had said that he thought I would do well. My Mother’s first reaction was I didn’t have qualities of a leader and I wouldn’t be good at it. I was on student government for two years.. the second year running my Mom had encouraged me to try out then and was my poster lady… she learned to support me. In college I went on to being an ambassador for the school, in RA positions, turned down being an ambassador for another school. No one in my high school except my best friend and her family knew I struggled at home. In high school I was friends with absolutely everyone. I loved people… I was in all sorts of school activities/clubs. I was an honor student and even felt that my teachers and principle were friends. I was a good kid. I worked hard… but as soon as I got home the fights started off with my Mom. I won’t lie… I had a short temper while growing up. I also had to fight to be me. Here is another example.. In 9th grade I thought psychology would be fun and while at a parent teacher conference my Mom said that psycho’s can’t be psychologist. See why I have a hard time with my Mom.

The only person I could go to after the big fight with my brother was my sister. I called her and was so relieved that she was on my side because she was the only one. She had banned my brother from seeing her son for a while because my brother through a freak joke about her boy. While her little boy was taking a bath my brother thought he was so funny by saying oh be careful I might take a picture and put it on the internet. My sister tried to ignore that comment … of course it bothered her but after he continuously made jokes like that she told him off… told him she didn’t want him around. And… My parents got after her for banning him from seeing his nephew. I don’t know how my parents visions were blinded because this certain brother was known as the troubled child. He was the one always doing stupid things. I tried… I really tried to do more in life. .. but I never felt enough.

I moved all my stuff over to my Sisters house. . . She even said something that meant a lot to me. She said something along the lines… You know, I feel bad for you because we used to set you up so many times to get you in trouble and we all would lie about it just so the blame would be on you and this is probably why Mom doesn’t ever believe you. I still can’t even explain this to my parents… There were so so so many times while growing up that I got the blame… and I was left hurting and feeling betrayed. And even though I hadn’t fought with anyone in a long time… my Mom blamed me at once. I don’t think it will ever change.

While at my sisters I struggled. In two weeks I had originally planned to go to a university. I had the plane tickets long before…. I had school paid for and the housing. I wanted to put that away for a while and come back to school after I could figure my life out. Only a few days before I decided to go because I couldn’t get any of the money back. I had worked all summer saving up money. Not all of it was mine though… My parents were paying a great deal too! And this was a huge conflict for me because my parents would still have control of my life if I still went. They were my money source. And I wanted to get away from them… I am glad I decided to go to school… yes, my parents still pay for most of it. It bothers me. I have a job here but it is hard. It is nice that I live far far away.

By the way… I had markings all over my body… and I had my shoulder looked at and something was torn. I couldn’t use that side for the longest time because it hurt so much.

It was hard that semester… I was in so much pain. I felt alone in life… It didn’t help that around that same time I had ended things with a guy I was dating. I had to move.

Anytime I talked to my Mom on the phone we would end it hanging up on each other … she always blamed me and told me that I needed to be nice about my brother and so forth. I couldn’t talk to her… and I refused.

My Dad and I talked because he didn’t want to lose a relationship with me. He wouldn’t ever talk about that brother and when he did he tried to humor me by saying “he who must not be named.”

He actually called and told me that he was sorry… that he had finally found out that my little brother lied for his older brother and that I wasn’t entirely wrong. Finally, I felt a relief… a sense of belonging in the family. Even though my Mom still held her opinions.

My Dad and I have become best friends by talking on the phone. In fact, we used to be… we used to talk all the time when I left off to college for the first time. . . And we grew so close. Well, now we are close again.

December 2008 I visited home. I gave my brothers the silent treatment. I didn’t care to talk to them even though I was told that the older brother had felt bad and had changed. I was told this a few days after the incident and I knew it was a load of crap because he wanted to be in good terms with my parents. I knew his fake side. My Mom kept getting mad at me for not communicating with them… one day I had needed a ride and she insisted the certain brother take me. I told her no, absolutely not. I didn’t want contention… I didn’t want to be around him. I didn’t want to fight. After telling my Mom no various times she ignored me… went to him and asked him to give me a ride. He pulled up and said I’m ready to take you. I was shocked… She went against my wishes! I ignored him… walked off… I would have rather walked then get near him… and so I did. While walking a way he called me a “selfish bitch” and that he “ought to kick my ass again.” Yeah, he was really changed wasn’t he. I reported it to my Dad… refused to talk to my Mom. I feel like my Mom can be so idiotic.

But this gave proof to my parents that Richard wasn’t as changed as they thought… well it gave proof to my Dad. It seems as if my Mom chooses to ignore truth.

The trip got worse in some ways… and better in others… but I have to work in 4 1/2 hours and sadly I’ve been in tears in all the memories… that tomorrow is going to be hard to wake up for…and I’ll probably have puffy eyes… and not feel so grand… Not good because I will have a test to study for, much homework, and a presentation to prepare for.

If anyone is actually reading this, thank you for reading. I know I am not perfect too… I am not the kind to blame everyone else… And these situations sound immature because they were immature. I have been striving to change… to work on my temper and arguing. I have been working on bettering myself. It comes slowly but I feel better now than I did before. I won’t always talk about the past… I will also talk of the now. Until next time, goodnight. I’ll try to sleep on my other side because my shoulder is still hurting A LOT 😦

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