Innerstar's Blog

{November 10, 2009}   As school tumbles

I thought my studies would be my main worry for today but I was wrong. I sat in Psychology class when the teacher announced that our final exam would be given out on the 17th of December at 5:00pm to 6:30pm. I raised my hand and asked if there is any possibility to take it earlier.

You see… I had my Dad book my plane flight for me which I am appreciative he did. It was very nice of him… and because of MY communication error I said I would be done on the 17th… In my mind I was thinking I’d be finishing on the 17th but now disaster has struck! My plane leaves at 7:30am… and I called the airlines but an automated voice said that due to the tickets being bought through Priceline they are not exchangeable nor are they refundable.

I approached my teacher after class and explained the situation but he said that there is nothing he can do… that the test was scheduled at that time by administration to avoid conflict with other classes…. so… he can’t let me take the exam in his office or through the testing center one day earlier? Why not!? This was my error but you would think that there would be some help under mistaken situations. There isn’t anything I can do! Unless I pay for another plane ticket but we simply don’t have that kind of money right now. I feel lost…

I wrote my school counselor and am awaiting a response… I am extremely nervous! The reason why I wrote her is because she deals with students who have add, adhd, test anxiety, and etc and one semester I had it all arranged where I was allowed to take exams in my own room. I have to read things out loud otherwise it is very hard for me to concentrate and get the concept.

Unfortunately, this semester I didn’t dive into the option again which shows because often I’ve taken 5 or more hours on exams that should be much shorter. I made sure that even though I wanted to get out after 5 mins that I would stick my butt down and slowly go through each problem. I should have renewed my helping services this semester and I don’t know why I didn’t… Laziness… and I feel strange going in with a psychological problem

It is never too late… It is half way through the term and I should set up an appointment for the help again.

Oh wait! I remember the other reasons to why I didn’t renew it! My previous school was who I went through for psychological counseling… just to talk about stresses of life, and I also went through a psychiatrist through them. Well, I was supposed to get documents sent over to this new school and I called and faxed and emailed this old school but I was never appropriately directed towards the people I needed to be. I requested and requested the information and nothing got sent… in which I had promised this new school counselor that I would get it asap. Well, I was given the privileges while they waited for the documents but they never came. I felt guilt stricken and as if I were a liar. Basically, I was ashamed that I had not done my part.

I did go through a new psychiatrist here to re-prescribe my adhd meds and to get something that helps me with text anxiety.

Perhaps I should have just explained in the first place instead of hiding away with embarrassment.

Maybe there is hope…

I actually just copied and pasted  part of this post and sent it to my school counselor and explained the situation… I should have just done that..

Anyways, what was I talking about last night… oh the rest of the story of my Christmas break 2008.

So that same day after my brother threatened me I went to see my ex… we were excited to see each other. I had to drive several hours to see him… he was working so I figured I’d go see him. It was more like 7 or 8 hours to see him.

Well, I went and he had promised to help pay for gas because by the time I reached him I would have no money. It was a mistake to see him.

I got there and when we were alone he started being very pushy(sexually)… Even though I kept telling him No, NO, NO!!! I felt violated and hurt. He tried to say “I love you” but I didn’t say it back… I cried because he was not respecting my wishes and kept being persistent… I was very upset with him. I wasn’t much entertainment when his friends got home because I wouldn’t leave his room. I was confused to why he wouldn’t respect my boundaries. I had had a lot of trust in him and I felt so belittled. So while he was with his friends I said I was sick and didn’t go out.

Well, he came in and gave me a talk about not being very social… so I finally got up and went out. His friends were having quite the drinking party and I hadn’t touched a drink for a while. I had quit but I felt like such crap and worthless as a person that I had a drink… and then another… and next thing I know I’m waking up passed out on the floor with an extremely angry ex.

He was very harsh with me and said clean up my mess and that I had to leave. I didn’t get it… I didn’t know what happened… And he even asked… Do I not really remember… He showed me a broken class cup in which I through at him… and he showed me a wound on his face because I had hit him.

I didn’t remember a thing… I tried to approach him and say I’m so sorry but he walked away. I knew I was a monster… that that was a monstrous thing I did.  I tried and tried to remember… I did remember being pushed by him and falling onto the ground outside… I could only imagine it was his self defense… I don’t know. He demanded I leave … confused I left… he wouldn’t let me talk to him. I drove just down the street because I was still dizzy from the drinking… I parked and passed out… this was around 2pm I think… by the time I woke up it was night time… I felt as if I had to make things right… so I went back and tried to talk to him… He said I wasn’t welcome there… of course I wasn’t… I knew that. I knew I had no place… I knew I was the worst person ever. His female friend came out to make sure I wouldn’t do anything like that again.. well I wouldn’t! I never wanted to hit someone again… I even asked that she take a swing at me… that I deserved it…. that I didn’t understand why I did such a thing.

I was told to leave… and so I did once more. I had to call my Dad… I was stranded without money to come home… And I felt like I belonged no where. Everywhere I went trouble followed.  I only told my Dad part of the story… I was too ashamed to tell him what I did.

My Dad helped me out… I am big debt to him… on my way home I stopped at a police station to find an officer to talk to and tell him how awful I was… He was a very nice guy. He said I was lucky not to have charges pressed against me but he was very good at helping me see that I could be better.

When I finally got home I looked up AA meetings… I went online and sought out depression chatrooms.

I was in such a messed up shape that I heated up some piece of a tool that looked like star shapes at the end and tried to burn star imprints on the top of each hand so that way when I looked down I would remember never to pick up a bottle again.

I regret that because now almost a year later I am trying to make them not so noticeable. I’m pretty sure people aren’t buying the I burned it in the kitchen story.. well i was in the kitchen but it was self inflicted.

I went through so many emotions… I tried and tried and tried to understand why I would be such a monster.

I tried and tried and tried to contact my ex and make it up to him.

He actually called one day… he said that he finally forgave me… that he was just so angry then… he also mentioned that he would be in my town but … we wouldn’t be seeing each other.

This hurt a lot… which drew me through more stupid emotions. I grew angry for a moment there… so angry that I started wondering… did I react out because he sexually harassed me… Was I so angered that it came out in my drunken mind or was I just too drunk and not getting what was going on.

And then I started thinking.. wait a minute.. he’s been fighting with his ex wife for rights to see his child… and I started recalling all the information he gave me on what she was saying in courts… so I was stupid… and contacted her via myspace. Wrote her about how her ex husband was having a weed party with his friends in the same house his son was in…. I told her how he would call him a mistake… thinking he was joking and thinking his son was too young to understand. He had an awful way of joking…

And yes… he was not a smart choice in dating. Nor was I a smart choice in dating.

Well, she read it in court and suddenly I felt so so so guilty that I could be the very reason that he would lose rights to his daughter. I had no right to mingle. After that, I have never spoken to him since. I sent an apology letter months later… and explained that I have been working so hard on improving myself. I have attempted to see if he gets rights to see his daughter… he did love her… he really did.. As messed up as he seems in his own ways.. He had a lot of love towards her. I have no idea if I ruined it completely.

I feel like I had no right to impose… especially since I was in a state of mind that was so messed up.

That was the ultimate bad part of Christmas. I knew I had to change… and I have been getting a lot of help along the way… Almost a year later I would say there is a considerable difference and I don’t touch alcohol anymore. The cravings are still there but so are the horrible memories. Everything was a wreck in my life during that time. Absolutely everything!

The good part of Christmas break… I came back… went to AA… Chatted online with support groups… set the goals to change… I didn’t want to leave the house though.. I hid away… and sulked.

One day… that brother of mine which had threatened me… asked me if I wanted to go to our mutual friend’s house to play guitar hero… he was as shocked as I was when I finally talked to him and said “Yes.” I don’t know why I said it… I still had a hard time with him… And believe me.. my parent’s jaw dropped and they were so shocked when they saw us going out together. My brother and I did have good times before.. There were bad times but we had good times. He was actually my favorite sibling I’ve ever had a job with… and we’ve had two jobs together… When we are in goofy mode it is constant make the other person laugh time… He actually apologized and so did I… It was nice… and at the party I saw that he was protective over me as he saw I was talking with this guy he didn’t like… Found out why… and he was right… the guy talks extremely dirty about girls… no respect… I’ve already had enough of no respect in my life.

It went well but I haven’t talked to my brother since… When I left back for school… I decided it was a good time to change my number… and I only gave it to few people. I didn’t want to give it to him or the younger brother. And my Dad gets confused because he will say… but I thought you two were getting a long and worked things out.

I said I forgave him… but I guess I still am working on it… The memories haunt me … and I still don’t like him… How can I know if he is truly changed?

The nearer it gets to me visiting home again in one month… the more stressed I get… I just get nervous… and there are parts of me that just don’t want to go.

I wish everything would be fixed… with everyone… but it just doesn’t seem to work that way… something inside of me still hurts with my brother’s… and with my ex.

As you see… I am far from perfect and I fight it daily to not let it still hurt me.

Until next time,

Thanks for reading.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: